FW: National Park Humor

GB:'X0B$4fAB92GB5 76711.1261 at COMPUSERVE.COM
Mon Jun 24 00:22:58 CDT 1996

Subj:  FW: National Park Humor          Section: Naturalist
  To:  all                              Monday, 24 June 1996 5:57:12
From:  Vratislav Richard Bejsak, 76711,1261

... requesting assistance

In 1994, a woman visiting from the Bay Area embarked on a solo hike to the
summit of El Capitan in Yosemite. When she became lost and saw a storm brewing,
she called 911 from her cellular phone and asked to be rescued.  A helicopter
found her barely off the trail and one-fourth to half a mile from the top of El
Cap. When the 'copter lifted off and the woman saw how close she was to her
summit goal, she asked the crew to set her down on top. When the crew declined,
she threatened to sue them for kidnapping.

... asking for directions

Darryl Stone, now superintendent at Jefferson National Expansion Memorial in St.
Louis, remembered working the entrance station at Yosemite when a woman drove up
and asked, "Which way are the geysers?" Ranger Stone directed her to continue
1,000 miles further to Yellowstone and told her there were no geysers at
Yosemite. "Yes, there are," she said. "I have a friend who saw them."  Stone and
the woman went round and round several times before she left, insisting that
there were geysers at Yosemite. Later she wrote a letter to the chief ranger
complaining that Stone had refused to provide her with the information she

... all tuckered out from our day hikes

In 1993 a woman called 911 from the top of Half Dome using her cellular phone.
According to dispatch, she reported: "Well, I'm at the top and I'm really
tired." The answering ranger asked if she felt sick. "No," she said, "I'm just
really tired and I want my friends to drive to the base and pick me up."The
dispatcher explained that she would have to hike down the trail she had
ascended. The visitor replied, "But you don't understand, I'm really tired."
What happened next?   "It turned out we got really lucky," the ranger said,"her
phone battery died."

.. taking mementos home with us

Each year visitors to Petrified Forest National Park in Arizona pocket an
estimated 12 tons of petrified wood to take home (despite numerous warnings not
to take wood and the fact that this criminal violation carries a minimum fine of
$275). Some years back, several female foreign visitors, clad only in bikinis,
were observed hiding wood in their garments.  Another time, rangers received a
report that a man had put a large piece of wood in his car. Upon searching his
vehicle, they found a 40-pound piece of petrified wood in his trunk. According
to rangers, this visitor said he didn't know how it got there. "My four-year-old
son must have put it in there," the man said.

.. ignoring the sage advice of rangers

A camper at Long Pine Key in Everglades National Park decided to take a dip in
the lake with her dog despite signs saying "No swimming!  Danger! Alligators!"
She swam to an island about 75 yards from the shore, then saw some alligators
and refused to swim back.  "Didn't you see the signs?"  asked the ranger who
retrieved her in a canoe.  "Sure," she said, "but I didn't think they applied to

Miscellaneous questions from park visitors

"What time do they let the animals out in the park?"  --Visitor at Denali
National Park

"Why did the Indians only build ruins?"  --Visitor at the Grand Canyon

"What is your best parking area?"  --Visitor at Zion National Park

"Where's the road to the summit?"  --Visitor at Mount Rainier National Park

"Don't you think the polluted sky makes a much prettier sunset?" --Visitor at
Indiana Dunes National Lakeshore

Grand Canyon National Park:
   Was this man-made?
   Do you light it up at night?
   I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom--where is it?
   Is the mule train air-conditioned?
   So where are the faces of the presidents?

Everglades National Park:
   Are the alligators real?
   Are the baby alligators for sale?
   Where are all the rides?
   What time does the two o'clock bus leave?

Mesa Verde National Park:
   Did people build this, or did Indians?
   Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
   Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
   Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?

Carlsbad Caverns National Park:
   How much of the cave is underground?
   So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?
   Does it ever rain in here?
   How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?
   So what is this--just a hole in the ground?

Yosemite National Park:
   Where are the cages for the animals?
   What time of year do you turn on Yosemite Falls?
   What happened to the other half of Half Dome?
   Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President

Denali National Park:
   What time do you feed the bears?
   What's so wonderful about Wonder Lake?
   Can you show me where yeti lives?
   How often do you mow the tundra?
   How much does Mount McKinley weigh?

Yellowstone National Park:
   Does Old Faithful erupt at night?
   How do you turn it on?
   When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?
   We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?

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